How to Build a Long-Lasting Relationship
Welcome back. This is an episode that I am excited about. You see, I am a family man. I’ve been with my incredible princess, my wife, for almost ten years now, and I’ve got two little daughters at home, 3 and 4-year-old little girls, and my family is my everything.
But see, there is one important lesson I want to teach you, that will make sure that you will have an incredible family life, whether you are married now, you are with the person you know you are going to marry or you are just a single person living life and looking for that incredible person who’s going to complete you.
This is a lesson that will help you make sure that you have an incredible marriage and an incredible family life. And it’s going to help you have kids who are going to thrive throughout their lives, as opposed to doing something that slows them down, while making you feel good about yourself. So, here is the deal. Most of the people I see, in fact, most of the relationships that I see go sour, and people who come to me, looking for help on how to save their relationship, save their marriage, what it turns into is that in almost every case you see it, is the same thing.
One of the Secrets of Successful Relationships is You Need to Stop Putting Your Kids First
It’s one or both parents, putting the kids first. And what they do is, they put the children first and then once they are done dealing with the children, they put their spouse second, and then they put themselves third.
Number 1, when you put your kids ahead of your spouse, it instantaneously destroys the relationship. It puts you in a place where there is no way that a spouse can compete with your kids because the love we have for our children it’s out of this world, it’s biological, it’s built into our bodies.
Right, especially for mothers out there. The love that you have for your children goes above and beyond anything that you could control. And when you take your kids and put them above your spouse, it puts you in a situation where your relationship is never going to be able to match up to that, right. And then once you are done with the kids, you decide well now I feel obligated, right, so by obligation you put your spouse second.
Do Not Feel Guilty for Putting Yourself and Your Partner Over Your Kids
Because you almost feel guilty subconsciously, and in some cases consciously, about the fact you are not giving your relationship enough. So, then you put your spouse second, and again for most women what that means is that they start, you know they are cooking, and they are doing all this stuff for their spouse, even professional women.
You see, they go to work, and they are a doctor or lawyer, and they come home and still feel they have more to give their husband. Right, and a lot of that comes from that guilty feeling of knowing subconsciously that the children are coming first. Women who run a business feel this guilt even stronger.
And guess what happens? The kids come first, the spouse comes second, and guess where you end up? Well, technically third. But in reality, if you are third in this situation it is as if you don’t exist anymore. So, you don’t take the time for yourself. Whether it’s for men or women, it doesn’t matter.
Your time completely goes away. And here is the worst part of it. Guess who suffers the most when you do this? Number 1, the children are who suffer. Because, yes, when your 4,5, 6, 7-year-old kids may love to be number one in your life, I am telling you, research after research has proven that children thrive in families where they see that the mother and father have an incredible bond.
Because the children out there growing up are looking for security. That’s by far the most important need for a child. And the way that they get that security, the number one way is when they see that their family is strong. When they see that the pillars of that family are strong. And the way that they see that is when they see a solid relationship between their mother and their father.
If they don’t see that solid relationship at home, and there is any shakiness to it, they will feel shaky themselves. So, as much as your kids may crave your attention, and they crave your time, trust me, they would much rather see you have a strong relationship than see you have all the time in the world to spend with them.
And as they get older, right, for those who have teenagers, have had teenagers, you understand what happens. That shifts. Because the human body is designed, that when you get to those teenagers, it’s time for the kids to go out there and explore, it’s time for them to learn.
Right, for those of you who have heard my caveman concept, which is, by the way, is going to be in an upcoming episode, we hear about that caveman concept “hey, these are the times where the kids have to learn to go out there and hunt”, right, they need to go out there and they need to learn to hunt, to gather, to explore, or to see what’s out in the world.
And If you are holding them by the neck, because they are the most important thing in your life, because you have spent 13-14 years, giving all you have to your children, and now they are 15 or 16 years old, and they need to go out there and explore, but you are not letting them explore.
You Have to Let Your Kids Experience Life
You are not letting them go out and see what’s out there. When I talk about explore, I am not talking about doing stupid things, like exploring with drugs, I am talking about kids getting out there and discovering who they are. And having an opportunity to really grow as an individual, as a human being, to be independent. Right, so what most parents will do is that they keep their kids super close, because hey at this point, it’s not even about the kids anymore, you need the kids, more than the kids need you.
And then guess what happens? The kid turns 18, and they are not going off to college. And I see so many parents make this mistake, some parents, especially those who are not from the US originally and who have migrated here, what you see is they even try to keep the kids from going away to school.
They are like “No, no, I want you to go to the local school over here, go to college locally here”, but you know “ Mum, dad I got in to this great school, it’s in some other state”, “ oh no, no you can’t go there, we need you to stay here, to stay at home”. And they force the kids to stay at home, or for those parents who do let the kids to go off to college, but guess what, they are treating the kids as if they are still 12 years old and living at home.
And they are keeping such close tabs on this kid, and I am not talking about close tabs like making sure that the kid is successful, and making sure that their kid is not getting into drugs, and getting into the wrong crowds and stuff like that.
That just good parenting. What I am talking about is where you make it is where your life is about the kids, and therefore the kids are required to sort of being your main thing. And so what this does is not only does it ruin your life, not only does it ruin the relationship that you have with your spouse, with your husband or your wife, but it also does not give the kids the room that they need to grow and to thrive.
The Order of Operations for a Thriving Relationship
So, what is the thing that you need to do? The order of importance in your life should be as follows, and this is not an opinion, right, this is fact, that if you want to see this, researchers shown time and time again, that if this order is messed up, you are not going to have the results that you want in your relationship.
Okay, now for those you who have religious believes, when I talk about this topic, I always say that I am leaving that out of that. So your spiritual beliefs and whether god or creator go on this list, I am not going to discuss that, because I don’t talk about religion. I would often talk about my spiritual beliefs and the beautiful relationship I have with God, but I choose not to inject that into these things. So on this podcast, I am not going to talk about that.
So, if you have a place where God goes, the creator goes, the universe goes, great, put that whenever you want on the list, if that’s on top of the list, great. If it’s second, third, fourth, fifth I am not going to talk to you about that. So here is what needs to be on your list. Number one on your list has to be you.
How to be Successful in a New Relationship – Put Yourself First
Now, that doesn’t have to mean that you are selfish and everything that you do has to be for you. What it means that you focus on thriving as an individual so that you can help the people around you.
And you can be there for the people around you. It means that you are whole. And by the way, for those of you who are single out there, I am going to do an episode where I talk about how to get in an incredible relationship, where you can have the type of beautiful relationship that I have with my wife.
And you can have the kind of relationship that people dream of. But it’s going to start with you. And I going to spend a whole another episode where I talk about that. For those of you who are already in a relationship, you have to make sure that you are number one on your list.
And then again, it’s not about being selfish. It’s about making sure that you are giving yourself enough, to be in a good place where you can give to others. If you are a parent, if you are in a good place yourself, now you can take care of your children better, or you can take care of your spouse better, or you can have a better life for yourself and everyone around you. So, number one on your list must be you.
That means you have to take time for yourself. You must take time for your personal development. You must take time for your personal growth. You must give yourself me time. Look, I am a guy and I don’t get this whole thing that women do, which is like their alone time, and they like to sit there and take bubble baths and stuff, okay? But, I get it. Ladies I know you need that, you got to take that time for yourself.
Right, you got these guys who like to be in their cave. Well, if you need to be in your man cave, you going to spent time in your man cave, if you like to take bubble baths, you should take your bubble baths.
If you like to go get your nails done, get your hair done, if you like to take walks on the beach, whatever it is, that time for you, needs to be there for you. To spent time taking care of you. If you are not thriving, you are not going to be able to help the people around you.
Your Partner Comes Second
Now, what comes second? After you have taken care of yourself, second absolutely must be your spouse, your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, that relationship that you are in, absolutely, must come second.
If this is the relationship that you want to make work. Now if you are 22 years old and you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and you are trying to grow in life, and this is probably not the person you want to end up with, you may put your career second, you may put a lot of other things second, but if you are in a marriage, in a relationship that you are going to make it thrive, you better put your spouse second.
What that means, is that your career cannot come before your spouse. Your kids cannot come before your spouse, your other things, like fun and excitement and that other things you love to do, they cannot come before your spouse.
It’s got to be second on the list, after you, it’s got to be your significant other. Now, if you are in a serious relationship that is going to develop into a marriage, well its time you start putting that person second on your list. Again, unless you are young and you are in a stage of your life where you are trying to take your business to the next level that may mean that, hey you might need to put off this relationship thing that you have to focus on you and your growth instead.
But, for those of you who are married, in a relationship, especially if you have kids, second on your list must be your spouse. Now, for many other women out there, I know this is a difficult concept.
I know it’s difficult for you to think “My goodness, Arman we are already number 2 on the list, and you haven’t even mentioned my kids yet”, “where are the kids going to end up?” Well don’t worry, your kids going to end up third, which is not bad. That is where your children are going to thrive. Children who are in the third slot, after you and after your spouse, are going to thrive. Number 1, trust me you will find the time to give the love that your children need.
Number 2, by having your spouse second, you are going to have a thriving relationship, where the kids are going to see the pillars within their family.
That’s going to give them the security and certainty that they need. And that is what is going to allow them to thrive, and make it less likely that they’ll go get in drugs and other terrible things that are going to destroy their lives. They need to see that stability at home, that stability comes when you are whole, by making sure you put yourself first. And your relationship is whole, by making sure your spouse comes second.
Your Kids Come Third
Now, when you put the kids third, that doesn’t mean you ignore your kids, that you don’t spend time with your kids. No, not at all. This doesn’t have to do with the hours you spend on things, it has to do with making sure you are whole.
Before you focus on your kids, go focus on yourself and your spouse. But, then once you are whole, and you feel good, you make sure that your relationship is structured correctly, your relationship is in a good place. And then what you do? You can focus your relationship with your kids is thriving. And when you put those things first, suddenly you see life becomes completely different.
Growth Comes Fourth
Now, number 4 by the way, this is personal opinion, number 1,2,3 I believe its science, its fact, there is no way around it, but number 4, my personal belief is that you should put growth. Because I believe every single one of us, as human beings, we need to focus on constantly growing and developing, in order to be the best that we can be. Now, by the fact that you are listening to this podcast, I think you have growth high up on the list, and I am proud of you for that.
So, focus on those things, if you want to take your relationship to that next level, if you want to have a beautiful relationship, what you want to do Is put you first, your spouse second, your kids third and everything else comes after that.
Again, you decide where you want to put God, your creator. I know many of you out there will say well God is first, I can be second, my spouse third, kids fourth, fine. If that’s how you like to do it. Great, do it that way. If you don’t like that, if you want a different way, that is ok too.
But, the order has to be you, your spouse, your kids. When you do that, you will allow your kids to thrive. And just watch what happens when kids start seeing around them, that stability and the structure. And watch what happens to you. Imagine how much of a better spouse you can be, how much a better parent you can be, when you are taking time for yourself.
For the ladies out there, when you are taking time, to just spent time in your room, or whatever you like to spend time alone, when you are taking time to take care of your hair, your nails, whatever it is you like to do, the walks you like to take, whatever it is, I don’t want to stereotype it, assume that everybody, individual types of people like different things. Obviously, you do whatever that you like, but make sure you are spending time on you.
And that you are whole, and that you are in a place that you can go out there and give. Because as you know, everyone who is listening to this, if you know anything about me, you know that I am all about giving. I am all about living life in a place where you are giving more to people, and you are being out there, and you are loving and kind and living with your heart. But what that means, is that you have to be whole first, so you can go out there and do that.
So, I want to encourage all of you, to focus on this, so you can take your relationship and your life to a whole another level. I love you all, I want to see you all have relationships that are absolutely thriving, and a life that absolutely thrives.
And for those of you who are wondering “Arman, where does my career goes on this list?”, listen to me, if you are thriving, your relationship is thriving, your relationship with your children is thriving if you have kids, and you are growing, your career will do just fine. And finance will manage to work fine. The business will work itself out.
There is a lot to do out there, but you got to make sure that these things come first so that you can be whole. Get out there, do whatever you can today, to focus on you first, your significant other second and your kids third, and again make sure that you finding time to make yourself whole. I love you all, and I want to remind you today, more than ever, to go out there and live with your heart.
So today I am going to talk to you… is this mic is on? Are we recording? Alright, here we go. That means you have to make time for yourself…